Good Morning Floor

Three weeks ago, eight-thirty am and I’m pulled awake. The feeling that wakes me is both crushing and tugging, like there are hands strangling my innards and yanking them in every direction aside from their natural order.

I push out of the bed, but my legs do not want to cooperate.

It is not the pain that is stopping me from walking, but pure weakness. I send a text to my mother, asking for help. My home has terrible service, so she does not get it.

Walking, while difficult and nearly impossible to maneuver, is not out of the question. With a combination of falling, using the wall and crawling, I get to the stairs. I call for help three times to those who pass. Each time I am not heard. I’m lucky on the fourth try, my crippled mother sees me and runs up the stairs, screaming for my father to come.

Their expressions of terror and not understanding scared the walk back into me, I think. After explaining what happened, my father says that the pain is from the area of my gallbladder. I’m given a pill and helped down the stairs.

After talking and testing it turns out that I have one of two wonderful things to happen. My gallbladder may removed and I have diabetes. It’s agreed that one caused the other, but I do not know which caused which. Sorry, my own personal schedule, for the delay in my posts.

Now THIS is Fun!

I think I found my project. The ‘Spring into Summer Blanket’ by Felted Button.

I even have this same yarn featured, but not enough. However much I adore the yarn, I won’t be buying more. I still have the Paton’s Silk/Bamboo, I’ll be doing that instead, with stripes.

What I love most about this pattern is that it’s very, very simple. I can even drop it and continue later (a common occurrence. Pics are sure to come, I think I don’t have to worry about abandoning this one.

Failed (no surprise)!

I’ll need to post some pictures to show what happened, though I can say that the design, as stated, was too tight. Instead of being a loose, triangle design, I ended up making something that resembled more of a diamond shape.

Time to find a new pattern!

Gift Giving Time

So now it’s that time of year again when I begin to make games, stories, and crafts for my loved ones.

What’s first? Let’s make my stepmother a shawl, as she requested. I honestly don’t remember where it came from, but I do know that it was translated.

I’ll be using a silk/bamboo thread.

My worry is that I do very tight knits and it looks like this will be loose. I’ve lost many a project due to my dangness of tight stitches.

Hey Man, I Can Do Stuff…

Due Vengeance still hasn’t been released.

No surprise to me, really. It was a dark time when that game was made. That, plus low self confidence makes me hesitant to show a word of it to public.

Still, I feel proud. I completed it.

It’s not that I hadn’t completed games in the past, mind you. I have. Though this felt… different. It was a new feeling of accomplishment.

This game wasn’t for me or someone close to me. With the others, I would take my sweet time. Reveal to whom I needed to. Two years of progress could result in thirty minutes of playtime and that was okay, because who cared?

This one had the intent of being seen by several- uh… hundred? Thousand? Regardless, I know it doesn’t mean much when it hadn’t been released. Only a month spent in development. It was like a job.

I loved it as odd as the thought of working without payment seems to be.

I want to experience it again, but how? I’d rather no one else die and I’m not entirely keen on losing any more jobs or homes.

I think it was because of this blog. Me posting my progress.

True, this is little more than a diary. I know that few read this. As of it’s creation two years ago there have been only 21 views. I’m confident some of those were my own.

However that means that 1 – 20 strangers have read this. Or accidentally stumbled upon this. Regardless, there are others watching me, even by accident. That is a driving force, I think. One that can help me continue on.

Due Vengeance: What now?

It is a liberating feeling to be finished. I’m still fine tuning the dialogue, but now it feels how it once was: fun.

It’s odd how deadlines make the things you enjoy a chore.

I’ve told people that I was considering making this a commercial game, but now I’m not so sure. It doesn’t feel right as commercial.

I’m no stranger to making games. I’ve been doing it for…. hm, 10+ years now I believe. Though they’ve always been personal. Specifically for gifts.

Only one game I’ve ever done had been released to the public. I think it mainly was a ‘meh’ reaction. 

That gives me confidence. Rather than having people hate it. I admit, maybe some did hate it, but clearly not enough to tell me about it.

Back to Due Vengeance. I will release it for free. I’ve been working on the introduction post for some time now. The fear is gone, replaced with excitement. I can’t wait.

Due Vengeance Status # 3

Done, Done, Done!

This is being posted a bit late due to work, but it is FINISHED! ON TIME! (Update: This post would have had a lot more meaning if I actually posted this on 8/1).

Would Due Vengeance have won the contest? I doubt it.

I saw/played a few games that were in the ‘non-rpg’ category. As self-absorbed as it feels to type it: most of them were rather generic in the terms of gameplay.

There were a few that were absolutely amazing and fun to play. Those will be the winners, but mine? I think I did something good with the assigning mechanic.

Hopefully, the audience will feel the same.

Due Vengeance Status # 1

So what have I been doing? Finding my drive again.

It feels like I’ve been on a vacation. I have been, in a way. Though instead of a feeling of relaxation and joy, there is the sensation of bitter failure that rests in my chest.

I’ve encountered depression before. In the clinical sense, not the adjective sense. The feeling isn’t dissimilar.

I will continue, though. I am going to finish this game. I’m running out of time, but by God I won’t let it stop me.

Man… these posts have been very depressing thus far.

 

(edit: stupid posts loaded out of order! I like to save drafts, but I published them out of order).

Due Vengeance Status # 2

Story!

Fleshing out the plot, that is. The game has about 90+ endings, but let’s be honest: a lot of them are generally the same with separate victims.

I do not like that. I want each individual ending to be different, to have a new motivation each time. 

Near impossible to do in thirty days, but I don’t believe that anyone is here to stop me from working on the game after one month.

It’s a Post

No one is reading this right now. Literally. I’m not even reading this. Sometimes I will close my and type, if the words are hard to come by.

So, then… Why is this here? Why a public post that I believe no one is reading?

Because I failed.

I should have met the goal I said I would, yet it was missed for illogical reasons. We’re nearing one month since it happened.

I was never close to my mother. I loved her, of course. Such a thing happens if you care for it or not.

I did love her, I cannot stress this enough. I could not stand her, though. She was annoying. She could not follow a conversation. She would not stop pouring the toxins into her body. She would not admit she had addictions. She would not shower. She would ignore horrible crimes that happened in front of her eyes. She was incapable of following a conversation.

She would not accept help.

She was miserable. 

I loved her, I really did, despite what I am accused of. I did love her and I hate myself for being glad for her.

She finally got what she wanted.

I remember being young, so young that I cannot even identify what age I was, she told me she wanted to die.

This was repeated often and often again. She hated life, she wanted out, she wanted to no longer exist. That is depression in one it’s purest forms and she embraced it.

She now has what she wanted, she is dead and oh God does it hurt so much. I’ve told her before I didn’t want her dead and I got reprimanded for it. Her wish has come true and I felt relief. All I ever wanted her was happy.

I know it is monstrous. 

I also know I digress.

I should have still kept to my goal. It seems so superficial and useless at this point, but like hell will anyone say I do not keep to my word.

So I will start again. From this point on, I will continue the remaining days I missed from the contest to finish the game.

Blog and imaginary reader as my witness.